


I am free and that is why I am lost.

by youngjusticewriter



Series: All my (way too many) time travel fics in one spot. [44]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bitter sakura, Gen, Haruno Sakura Deserves Better, Haruno Sakura-centric, Sexism, Strong Haruno Sakura, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 15:12:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18607087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngjusticewriter/pseuds/youngjusticewriter
Summary: The objective of the bell test was them to work as a team, Sakura knew. Sakura could try to get Sasuke and Naruto to work with her to grab the bells today, try to make them the team that would stay but Sakura...won’t. She was tired. The kind of tired that left you hollow no matter how long you rested. The kind that dug itself in your bones and you had to carry that weight, along with the weight of your body, every time you woke up and throughout the day if you got out of bed. (She was only one who stayed. Even Kakashi who spoke of those who abandon their friends were worse than scum had left her behind too.) It hurt because, god, did a part of her desire to do just that even if this reality was just a lie, a punishment, but it’s not just her job to instill loyalty. Nor was it her job to be the only one who had stayed. They had to make that decision too.Sakura couldn’t forge team seven to be something they never had been in the first place.But Sakura could be a kunoichi that was loyal to her village.





	I am free and that is why I am lost.

Sakura stared at the ceiling as she had done for hours with a body too small. She had not found an ounce of humor when she woke up to her childhood room, one that had been destroyed years ago, but still part of Sakura wanted to laugh. Her shoulders would shake, throat held up (so easy to cut) from the pretty pastel pillows that shared the color of her hair, because this is what childish infatuation and a promise made from it that was never taken up on have bestowed upon her.

What does it say about her that Sakura’s punishment of her disloyalty is to wake up to her genin days? 

It doesn’t matter what it said, Sakura supposed as she slipped out of her bed. She left it a mess behind her as finally she left the bedroom. Sakura was dead yet her stomach gnawed. Now that Sakura could understood. What is the point of punishment without pain? (As if the weight of the knowledge she failed Lady Tsunade isn’t painful and sharp as a kunai being twisted in her stomach. That was pain because Sakura wasn’t good enough and now Tsunade, Shizune, and Ino were going to go through pain themselves because they would care that she died.) 

Her nails dug into the wood that was the kitchen counter. Hot tears blurred her vision of what her reality was now because Sakura never wanted to be left behind again and now she was condemning that experience to the women who had given her a shot after the dismantlement (dismantle what a kind word, a sweet lie, for the failure that was what they had become) of team seven. I’m sorry, Sakura mouthed to no one as her nails turned white from how hard she pressed them into the counter. Inner then reminded her that she wasn’t a child anymore, wasn’t some genin with her foolish heart on her sleeve that would gladly believe when Kakashi would lie to her about everything going to be okay. ‘Apologizes don’t fix anything,’ Inner snarled, ‘especially when there’s no one to hear them. Eat,’ she then ordered. ‘Just because we’re dead and being punished doesn’t mean we should go hungry. Let’s make hunger one less problem.’ 

And Sakura does because Inner is the only one left that Sakura has; she proceeded to eat more than she once would have, but should have because kunoichi should not have a diet unless it’s for a kekkei genkai much less a kunoichi that was beginning to grow, and did so with her fingers. When she’s done Sakura stared down at her palms. Her fingers felt sticky and they glistened but not from blood unlike the her true hands had been when she died. 

After putting the plate in the sink Sakura headed back to her room so she could get to the bathroom that was interconnected to the bedroom. First she ran the water and held her hands under it before she put soap on them. All the while Sakura stared at the mirror that hung above the sink. She could cut her hair, Sakura mused as she looked at the reflection that once was hers. There had to kunai in her small weapons pouch wherever it was. It would be out of character though despite this just being punishment Sakura didn’t want to raise any flags. She would rather spend days devoted to chasing a cat than be stuck in TI cell for however long this lasted. (This wasn’t a gentsu. Sakura had already tried the disrupt it and she hadn’t been battling with Itachi.) While drying her hands Sakura decided she would look at the diary she use to have kept. It would tell her what date it was and what missions team seven been on. It was where Sakura remembered putting it. Obviously, the three of them were on team seven since Sakura had her forehead protector on the desk but what time of the genin days was Sakura being punished to relive and fail. To relive and be useless as the team broke apart. ‘No.’ Sakura didn’t know if that was Inner or herself who had vehemently thought that. Sakura failed her mission and died for her village but that didn’t mean she was as useless as she once had been. That would be an insult to Lady Tsunade who, despite be alcoholic and the mess of the village had been when she had taken the position of Hokage, had trained Sakura when no one else did. 

Sakura’s mouth parted in surprise at the latest diary entry. It was today. There wouldn’t be any dull d rank missions where they painted fences, pulled weeds from garden beds, or chased that cat. Today was the bell test and Sakura was late. Not that it mattered because Kakashi always neglected to show up on time for hours when he could have been teaching them. The objective of the bell test was them to work as a team, Sakura knew. Sakura could try to get Sasuke and Naruto to work with her to grab the bells today, try to make them the team that would stay but Sakura...won’t. She was tired. The kind of tired that left you hollow no matter how long you rested. The kind that dug itself in your bones and you had to carry that weight, along with the weight of your body, every time you woke up and throughout the day of you got out of bed. (She was only one who stayed. Even Kakashi who spoke of those who abandon their friends were worse than scum had left her behind too.) It hurt because, god, did a part of her desire to do just that even if this reality was just a lie, a punishment, but it’s not just her job to instill loyalty. Nor was it her job to be the only one who had stayed. They had to make that decision too. 

Sakura couldn’t forge team seven to be something they never had been in the first place. 

But Sakura could be a kunoichi that was loyal to her village.

**Author's Note:**

> “As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.”


End file.
